The Haunting of Sadness

August 14, 2023

The deal with Sadness is that it is not always bad, it is not always a negative emotion. Sometimes it is a sweetness that is forged out of Sadness, sometimes it turns into the greatest Joy or strongest motivator.

Other time, though, other times it is just Sadness; all consuming, gut wrenching, Sadness.

But this is an emotion I feel well aquatinted and comfortable with. I am comfortable with loneliness and sorrow, I know those emotions well and have leaned into them until I am at the center of them. Warm and messy and dark.

Anger I am not friends with. It lives with Fear and the other things I am not comfortable with like talking to strangers and learning about how the world is falling apart.

But because we are close and know each other well, sadness haunts me. Ever since seeing Inside Out I have known that Sadness runs my show. They know how to turn things from just sweet to bittersweet then over to just bitter.

There are times when she lets others take over, but it is very rarely Joy.

And I think this is because I fear Joy. I fear that Joy means that something is wrong, that I am letting my guards down for something far more terrible to come in and take over, that I am not going to be prepared for when Sadness takes the reigns again. Joy is not comforting or delightful – she is sly and cunning, I will give her that, but I cannot trust her. I often feel bad when she takes over because I know there are so many around me who have Anger or Sadness at the helm of their ship and it feels selfish to enjoy things while they are filled to the brim with Sadness.

I have a very hard time enjoying Joy because I am haunted by the return of Sadness, and as long as she is there I am comfortable because I know where she is at.

I am learning to feel and to trust, but it is never as easy as it seems.