I’m Going To Miss This

March 26, 2025

Tonight I cried so hard I threw up in the sink after brushing my teeth. All I could really do was rinse it down and wash my face off with some warm water. We watched a movie called my old ass, which was supposed to be a comedy, but you find out that the person she loves most in the world dies in the future, and I have to say, that’s my worst fear. I was doing pretty okay after calming myself down for a bit, and then I saw Lani, curled up on the bathmat. She turns five in a week or so and her aging, and eventually dying, is really hard for me to grasp. I know she’s “just a dog” but I cannot imagine living in a world without her in it. I don’t know how I would have made it through these last five years without her. I miss my grandma. There have been so many times since she passed that I’ve thought about calling her, or sending her a letter, or ordering her a little bouquet of lilies for Easter. The movie really got me thinking about taking advantage of the time that we have with our loved ones, while we are still with them, because we never know what is going to happen when. I have always been a little fearful of the future, but even more so now than ever, and I know I just want to be in control, but I have to let it go because it’s not up to me. I’m going to lose people I love. I am going to get rejected. I am not going to get the things that I want. I am going to lose some races and I might lose them all. But life is so beautiful. Soak it up, because I’m going to miss this.