Bud

October 7, 2024

“How you doing, Bud?”

I hate when he calls me Bud, we aren’t buds, we aren’t pals, he is my counselor.

“I’m doing alright. This week had been hard, but overall I have been doing alright.”

I can tell this isn’t want he wanted.

“Care to elaborate at all?” he says has he is folding his legs over another.

“Well, I failed my Chemistry exam, but luckily midterms are in a couple of weeks, and I think I can make up that grade.”

I know he can read be better than this, but I don’t feel like diving right into what is really wrong.

He makes a “hmm” sound and nods, but doesn’t break eye contact or flinch. He knows he can wear me down.

“Okay, fine.”

He wore me down easily today. Who am I?

“Genevieve told Sarah that she thought that I stole her boyfriend, when we started dating way after they had broken up, and Chris doesn’t even want to be with her anymore, but Sarah can’t see that and told her that I was a homewrecker, and honestly, what home am I wrecking, because we are just in high school. Who knows how long they would have lasted even if I wasn’t as pretty and wonderful as I am, even if I didn’t come along and distract him? Don’t get me wrong, Gen is a really pretty girl, I am just more of his type, and he tells me that all the time. He told me the other day that he just really loves green eyes, and I have green eyes and Gen has blue, so he is obviously going to be more attracted to me than he is to her because he said that is a non-negotiable as far as looks. Sarah is just trying to stir the pot and make us all hate each other because Genevieve and I used to leave her out of things all the time, and she was sooooo jealous, so now she has to put her little fingers in-between us and pry us apart. I think she is just mad that she didn’t start dating Chris after he and Gen broke up.”

I can feel him getting bored with me and talking about this over and over again, but what else does he really want me to do? I don’t want to talk about what he wants to talk about. It hurts to much and this is much easier for him to give me advice on and then we move on.

“And we were all going to go to Homecoming together, we even got coordinating dresses, don’t you know, but now, I think I might be the only one that goes, and I mean, what am I supposed to do? Break up with Chris because Gen doesn’t want me to date him?”

He looks at me like “obviously” and I know that, especially because I don’t even really like Chris, I just knew that it would make Sarah pick Gens side, and knowing I was moving at semester, I wanted their friendship to be closer so that Gen didn’t miss me too much. I knew that wasn’t the nicest way to prepare them for it, but I didn’t know how else to do it.

“Do you want to talk about what is really bothering you? Your parents are worried about you.”

No.

“This is what is bothering me! I just want to be with Chris and it feels like no one else does and…”

I am bored of my own talking. Before this year I never would have considered dating Chris. I didn’t even like him for Gen. She is way out of his league. She is smart and kind and pretty and he barely had a 2.0 GPA and didn’t listen to her at all. This was another way I was making things better for her. I always knew he had a crush on me, but she wouldn’t hear it, and thought that he was the best boyfriend she could ask for.

“Okay, if you are not going to bring it up on your own,” he says cutting me off mid rant, “how are you feeling about the move? Have you talked to Gen and Sarah about it yet?”

No, I hadn't .

“Oh, that. No. I haven’t had the chance.” I try to sound cheerful, but he can hear the catch in the back of my throat as much as I can, and there is no hiding things from him.

“And why do you think that is?”

Because I don’t want them to know.

“I just haven’t gotten around to it, I’ll tell them eventually. Don’t worry about it.”

Don’t ask me about it again, is what I am really trying to say. I can feel the whites of my eyes reddening and the greens becoming more vibrant. I always loved when I cried and my eyes were the color of sea foam. I keep my eyes on my manicure in order to avoid his gaze.

“But anyway, like I was saying, I think they are just jealous that I am the one with the boyfriend now, and both their boyfriends broke up with them. They even both sent me mean messages on Instagram the other day via a reel that was all about how the person in the reel had lost their friend due to a fight that they had and it felt worse than losing them all together because they back stabbed them and made them feel like nothing and it was really hurtful becaeu they were telling me that they think that I back stabbed them, when really, I just started dating someone because he liked me and I liked him and there is nothing wrong with that. I think they just need to let me be me and I will let them be them.”

I don’t even know what I am talking about at this point. I was just trying to run out my clock. I knew it would be over soon, and it would be another week of avoiding talking about moving overseas for my dad’s job. Far from the place where all my friends were. Far from the home that I grew up in. Far from the place I had my first job, my first kiss, my first dance. Far from everything I had ever known.

“Okay, well, that is time.”

He looks annoyed and I know why. I am annoyed with myself too.

“I am not supposed to tell clients what to do, Bud, but yes. You need to break up with Chris and make up with your friends so you can tell them that you only have a couple of months left living in the same town. Don’t waste them on a boy.”

I get up and walk out the door as bouncily as I can, as I fight back tears.